My Mind. Bow.


It’s 12:55 am.

Can’t sleep.

Already had my meds.

But mind is still fully awake.

Try to close my eyes.

Breathe in, breathe out.

But mind’s still goind round and round.

Need to wake at 6:30.

To meet my doctor at 8:30.

Then work at 2pm.

But mind’s is still in mayhem.

So I guess this is it.

My eyes are tired.

And now feeling a bit sleepy.

So mind, stop being so fidgety!

DEADS.

-cpdj

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Sumpa


**Disclaimer: Mahaba ito.

3 years. 4 years. 7 years. Talamak na yata talaga sating mga Pilipino yung pagkakaroon ng sinasabing sumpa sa relasyon. Yun bang mga eksenang “Uy friend! Ilang taon na kayo magjowa?… ahh 3 yrs.. naku.. yan na yung delicate year (ibig sabihin delikado).. abangan namin 4 yrs niyo ha.” Sabay tawa. Yung tipong di mo alam kung matatawa ka din o maiinis o machachallenge dahil para bang binigyan ka ng taning sa buhay mo. Minsan para bang tila may kapangyarihan nga ata talaga tayong manumpa o sadyang napapraning lang dahil sa “taning” na to.

December 24, 2012. Bispiras ng pasko. Daming nangangaroling. Yung kapitbahay nagvivideoke. Pasko eh. Selebryason. Kaso bakit ang dilim. Ako lang mag-isa at ilaw lang ng celfone ang nagpapaliwanag sa paligid ko. Ay, nasa kwarto pala ako. May katext. Hindi si Santa Claus kundi yung taong magbabago ng mundo ko simula nung araw na iyon. “Hindi na kita mahal.” Shit. Wait. Anu daw? Pasko ngayon diba? Hindi ba dapat Maligayang Pasko ang dapat ibati? MALIGAYANG Pasko. “Hindi na kita mahal.” “Bakit!? Dahil may mahal ka ng iba?” “Basta, hindi na kita mahal. Hindi mo maiintindihan.” Teka. Wait lang. Nkagraduate naman ako, bobo ba ko? Oo, nakakabobo ka. Ano bang hindi ko maiintindihan? “Mahal mo pa ba ko?” “………” Ayun. Dead end.

10:30pm, December 24, 2012. Wow, heavy. Bigat ng dala kong panregalo sa ofis. Halos 25 ba namang paper bag eh. Pati pakiramdam ko ang bigat. 25 kasi bukas, numero namin nung katext ko. Yung katext ko na nagsabing “Hindi na kita mahal…hindi mo maiintindihan.” Wow, heavy. Kaya eto papasok ako ng office, nakajacket ng UST kung san tayo nagkakilala at naka-cap na blue na binili natin nung nagtravel tayo. TAYO. Yung salitang TAYO talaga. Wow, heavy again. Kahit mata ko ang heavy dahil namumugto. Alam mo yung feeling na wala nang ipipiga pa yung mata mo at lawlaw na yung bagahe ng mata mo tapos para kang kinagat ng isang dosenang ipis sa pagkamaga. Ganda ko diba. May pasok pa ko nyan. Walang tulog sa kakaiyak. Bispiras at pamilya ko nasa reunion. Ako may pasok. Ikaw magtetext ng ganun. Ilang kilo ba bitbit ko at ang bigat. Sobra. Pasalamat na lang ako at may anghel akong kasama, kundi napakagandang timing para.. alam mo na.. sumama sa dilim. Napakagandang timing. Sinasabi ko sayo.

Morning. December 25, 2012. Pasko. Christmas day. Naipamigay ko na mga regalo ko. Pinuntahan kita para kuhain regalo ko. Baka naman kasi isurprise mo lang ako kaya mo sinabi yun. Oo, ako na pumunta sayo para mapag-aralan ko ang sinasabi mong di ko maintindihan. Nag-usap. Nagmakaawa. (Nagbubugtong hininga na ko ngayon dahil hindi ko na alam pano mailalarawan sa inyo) …………. Nawala sa sarili. Blanko. Nahihilo. Baliw na ata ako. Ang gaan ng feeling. Shit. Buhay pa ba ako…

3 years. 4 years. 7 years. 7 years na sana kami nun. Bakit ba naging talamak ang sabi-sabing ito. Isa na ko sa patunay na hindi lang sya basta-bastang sumpa. Oo. Cge na, ako na gawin niyong ihemplo. Peste. Sa lahat ba naman ng pwedeng maging ihemplo, sa ganitong sitwasyon pa. Gawin niyo na lahat ng makakaya niyo pag yang mga numerong yan eh inabangan kayo. Kung sino ka mang nanumpa sa relasyon ko, cge magdiwang ka. Kung may magsabi man sa inyo ng gaya ng sakin, tapalan mo ng busal nang matauhan. At sa lalaking nagbago at nagikot ng mundo ko dahil sa hindi ko daw maintindihang bagay, alam kong masaya ka na sa asawa mo. Sa asawa mo na nakilala mo nung tayo pa. Yung sinasamahan mo magchurch pag hindi ako nakasama. Yung babaeng pinakilala mo sakin nung tayo pa. Yung babaeng nang-imbita satin magchurch. Wow. Banal. Oo, yan ang hindi ko naintindihan. Sabi mo eh. Pero hindi ako bobo. Tanga lang. Nagtanga-tangahan nung panahong nararamdaman ko nang may kakaiba sayo, yung tipong kapag kachat mo siya eh parang yung feeling na nililigawan mo ko dati. Damang-dama ko yun. Damang-dama.

7 years. 4 years. 3 years. Tatlong taon. Mag-isa ako. Single. Tatlong taon akong nilubayan ni kupido. Sinumpa ko na yang mga numerong yan. Pero sa tatlong taon na yun ang numerong pito, 7, ang muling nagbago ng mundo ko. Isang magandang sumpa. Dahil nakilala ko ang bagong lalaking muling nag-iba ng ikot ng mundo ko. Nagkasalubong sa ofis. Nagkatinginan. Ako nasa loob at sya nasa labas. Pinagigitnaan ng malaking pinto na gawa sa glass. Hinawakan ko ang bakal na handle para itulak ang pinto papalabas at sya para maibukas niya ang pinto na para bang sasalubungin ako. Anong meron. Para bang ang lahat ay nakaslow motion. Hindi naman kita gusto. Wala akong crush sa ofis pero anong meron sayo. May spark. Na-ground lang ata ko sa pinto. Ewan, hindi ko alam anung meron nung araw na yun. Basta ang alam ko eto kasama na kita. Kasama sa pagtulog araw-araw, manood ng sine, kumain..huminga. Kasama kitang humihinga araw-araw at patuloy na inaalagaan ang isa’t isa. Isa kang malaking spark ng buhay ko na parang lusis pero matagal ang sindi. Ikaw ang ginawa para sakin upang tablahin ang sumpa.

O, ano, akala niyo sad ending? Di naman ata ko papayag ng ganun. Pagkatandaan na lang na lahat ng bagay may kaniya-kaniyang karma. Ika nga sa bibliya, wag mong gawin sa iba ang mga bagay nau ayaw mong gawin din sa iyo. What goes around, comes around. At para yan sa lalaking nagpatunay ng talamak na sumpa. Good luck.

Living the Moment


So, here I am. Sitting and thinking of what to write.

My dog doesn’t know what to do and seems sleepy.

As of this moment, we are alike.

I have a lot of things going in my head right now.

A lot of plans for the future but, I don’t know where to start.

I want to do this, I want to go there, I want to eat this, I like to be there.

Everyday I remind myself to live life slowly.

Live in the present.

Live at the moment.

Let’s take it slow.

One at a time.

Because you will be surprised that you have done one thing already.

Just like my dog who is sleeping now.

And me, who have written this out of random thoughts.

See. Living the moment works. One at a time.

-cpdj

Depression


It really hits me hard, this epidemic called Depression.
I thought I already lost it, but it’s still haunting me.
Freedom is what I need.
Independence is what I seek.
I’m living for 28 yrs now.
And where am I.
I’m useless.
I’m worthless.
I’m nowhere to be found.
I’m nothing.
I just want to end everything.
I’m tired.
I just want to end it all.
I’m hopeless.
I just want to kill myself.
I’m scared.
This depression is kicking in too hard.
I just want to be alone.
I want to get away from here.
If only I can be invisible.
If only I could fly.
Let me get away.
Let me be me.
I’m so tired.
So freakin’ tired.
Depression is pulling me closer.
Closer to the dark.
Help.
.

Alone, really?


Having my nails done.
Outside I see a carousel.
People passing by.
Toddler, teens, adult..
Married, single, committed..
Friends, partner, family..
How come I’m alone…

The lady just cut something, it hurts.
The carousel just stopped.
Still, people passing by.
Toddler, teens, adult…
Married, single, committed..
Friends, partner, family..
How come I feel alone…

My nails’ almost done, all clean and looking good..
The carousel moves again, round and round…
Still, people passing by.
Toddler, teens, adult..
Married, single, committed..
Friends, partner, family..
Then someone came, looking at me..
There you are, my dear, let’s go home…

Watch “Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend” on YouTube


Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend: http://youtu.be/RcGyVTAoXEU

I’m supposed to be sleeping right now. But, recently, I’m enjoying listening to youtube videos that show talks from great speakers etc. Talks about life, love and all.

This one’s by far the best speech I’ve heard. She emphasized how stress can be helpful to us. And that is by how you think of it in a positive way. Her words are so meaningful that it creates a whole lot of positivity in me. This will help you understand how our thoughts become a powerful tool in making us enjoy life and be the best that we can be – emotionally and socially.

Hear it and I hope it lets you feel the same way it did to me. This is too great not to share to all of you.

Like I Said, Would You?


Like I said, I’m doing good.
Like I said, everything’s alright.

Sometimes people tend to dig your words too deep that would let you either take their shovel and put it in their mouth or just let them do what they want as they open you up and try to take part of what’s inside of you.

Like I said, everything’s alright.
Like I said, I’m doing good.

It’s not bad to let them be a part of you. It’s not bad to be reserved too. With all these, it’s a matter of the word TRUST. The choice is yours to make. Would you let them in? Or would you just take it all in… on your own?

Like I said, I’m doing good.
Like I said, everything’s alright.

Hey, would you like to hear me out tonight?

Two-faced Her


Sometimes people won’t notice…
Sometimes people won’t realize…
How some people feel,
How some people think.
With the smiles she shows,
With the tears she hides.
You won’t notice,
You won’t realize…
She’s smiling outside,
Yet, hurting inside…

Always Be My Baby


http://open.spotify.com/track/2aBxt229cbLDOvtL7Xbb9x

I always find this song so sweet. I don’t know, but this song really hits me everytime I hear it. There was a time when I felt in love and felt like it would be forever. I hope I’d feel that way again…